Life is complicated to put it simply. Nothing is as black and white as our parents taught us, and sometimes that can be a problem. Each person in this world is unique, and has their own combination of things that make up who they are. One of the biggest parts of life, and probably the hardest, is self-discovery. You start as a child, with a basic sense of what you like and what you don’t , but outside influences and media can corrupt and delude those core parts of you.. and that can cause an ocean of uncertainty…a never-ending journey of soul searching.
Well, I am here to tell you that the journey was over way before it began, but at the same time..it never ends. My opinion on finding yourself is that you may never truly know yourself completely, but the only way to find out is to live your life to the fullest. Do not stay inside your head, constantly worrying about finding yourself. You are enough to start with. You are a complete person. Knowledge is power, my friend. You will forever be changing and growing as a person. It is scary.. and it is hard.
As far back as I can remember I wanted to be a physical woman. I knew I was a woman on the inside.. but I didn’t feel completed. Every birthday wish and every penny in the fountain was spent wishing to be a physical woman. I spent years in that mindset. I wore makeup and clothing that I considered feminine all the way up to my junior year of high school. You may be thinking that I am crazy and that it must have been awful being bullied. I can lie and say that it was fine.. but it wasn’t.
I definitely had my bullies and a few of them where in my home.. but the thought of not being authentic to myself was worse than any “fag” or “queer” that I received. Everyone is different and what bothers some may not bother the next person. What people said were just words to me. The part of being bullied that hurt the most was that I couldn’t have the experience that I wanted. I wanted the boys to see as the woman I was. I was my own worst enemy. I started hating what I had become. I wasn’t a man but I wasn’t a woman… I was lost.
Suffering from bipolar disorder already, it wasn’t long before I had my first mental breakdown. I was part of a LGBTQA group, and was infatuated with this guy. I pursued him only to be shut down with “I only date guys”. That was such a profound moment for me. Straight guys saw a boy but Homosexual men saw a woman. WHO WAS I? I went home and shaved my head. I burned all of my feminine clothing. I abandoned my hopes and pushed away the woman within. I then allowed a man to be born. I explored the masculine parts of myself that I had previously pushed away. At first it was liberating. Then after awhile the woman came back and suddenly a power battle ensued. I flipped back and forth for over a year before I realized something very important.
As a person, I am honestly lucky to have both a man and a woman coexisting within me. I can carry wisdom from both. That is what makes me who I am. It has taken years and years of pain and suffering to realize this. My mind, that was once my prison, had become an open field for me to be free. I no longer felt the need to pick one side of myself, and realizing that was the happiest moment of my life. I fully decided to love myself. That is key to self discovery, my friends, is loving yourself. You have to follow your heart and listen. Slowly life will teach you what you need to know, and build you up to the highest level of existence, which is contentment. Who knows, someday I may wake up and the woman be the only person again. Maybe. Maybe not. But when/if that day comes I will be ready.